


Kisses are good for the soul

by setaxis



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Fluffy, M/M, dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-19 07:43:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3601932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/setaxis/pseuds/setaxis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jongin thinks about kissing Sehun. He thinks about it a lot. He doesn't know how Sehun feels about this - after all, Sehun might like to kiss some of the other members of their group but this does not translate into wanting to kiss Jongin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kisses are good for the soul

There's something amazing in the way Sehun has changed since their pre-debut days. It's not a bad thing. He hasn't become an arrogant arsehole overnight or anything. He just keeps getting prettier and prettier and it messes with Jongin's head. Jongin's sure that's not supposed to be possible, but as per usual Sehun (and his stupid face) take absolutely no notice of that. Stupid Sehun. Stupid Sehun's face.

He knows he mentioned it once, in one of the seemingly never-ending stream of interviews after their debut. It was meant to be humorous, an off-the-cuff quip. Sehun had certainly taken it that way and had given him a thump on the arm for that one once they'd got back to the dorms. He'd also made some equally lame joke about how they couldn't all be "hot chocolate" like Jongin. Air quotes included.

That should have been the end of it. It wasn't. It was like opening the floodgates. Jongin would find himself staring idly at Sehun all the time. He wouldn't even be looking, really, just noting how the stage lights cast shadow over Sehun's face or how it contorts when he's confused. Just watching. Observing.

He gets caught a lot. His bandmates, being the kind and loving friends they are, find it hilarious. They even bring it up in front of Sehun which makes Jongin mortified and he doesn't know why. As Sehun had pointed out, Jongin likes observing. It's kinda his thing. Observing Sehun shouldn't be any different, right?

He hadn't said that, though. He was so embarrassed his brain had a mental breakdown and it took Sehun grabbing his hand and storming off (taking Jongin with him) to snap him out of it.

"I'm sorry." Jonin whispers later as they battle furiously to defeat the third boss level on Little Big Planet.

"What for, dumbass? S'not your fault our friends our arseholes." Sehun had replied distractedly.

"Yeah, but-"

"No buts. S'not your fault. End of story." Sehun says, groaning when they die yet again. "You want to change games yet? I feel like I'm going to go ape shit if I have to do this level again."

"Okay." Jongin says it to the first statement but Sehun takes it as the answer to the second and crawls over to the stack of games they have piled up.

Sehun waves Call of Duty cheerily. "Fancy getting your arse handed to you?"

Jongin scoffs. "You wish."

And that's that.

At least on Sehun's part. Jongin can't stop thinking about why he reacted the way he did when his hyungs called him out on his little habit. It shouldn't matter. He likes looking at pretty things and Sehun is pretty. He does the same thing to Kyungsoo and Baekhyun and (to a lesser extent) Lu Han and he's never been embarrassed about that because pretty is pretty and Jongin likes pretty things.

It's not in any kind of romantic sense though. It's more admiration, a recognition of his bandmates' beauty, than attraction. He doesn't want to kiss any of them or anything. That'd be gross.

Except, now he thinks about it, he's not so sure kissing Sehun would be gross. The thought is terrifying. It's pervasive, pernicious like a weed, and no matter how hard he tries to erase it from his mind it always comes back.

He hates it.

He finds himself staring at Sehun's lips during practice or when they're playing playstation. He finds himself wondering what they would feel like against his own. He tries to convince himself he doesn't want to know, that he shouldn't be thinking about his best friend like this, but nothing works. It's got to the point where he's started avoiding Sehun because he simply can't cope with what he makes Jongin want to do.

Sehun has noticed his semi-avoidance. It's inevitable, really. They work together, they live together, they share the same room. There's not much that goes unnoticed.

That's not to say that Sehun has called him out on it. Jongin feels slightly guilty because he knows Sehun well enough to know that he hates confrontation and won't say anything directly until there is literally no other option. Instead he shoots Jongin hurt looks when he thinks Jongin isn't looking, looks that Jongin pretends not to see.

It hurts, it really does. His best friend is hurting and it's him who's holding the knife. It shouldn't be this way.

He keeps telling himself it's only until he gets his feelings under control, until he can look at Sehun without desiring the press of plump lips against his own, but it doesn't stop the guilt. The guilt that mounts with every passing day.

The urges don't seem to be going away on their own. It's been almost three weeks now and nothing has changed, in fact, it's gotten worse because not only has Jongin got to deal with the need to meld his face to Sehun's, he has the panic and the guilt on top of that. He's really starting to consider telling Sehun because he really can't cope. He needs his best friend.

Besides, it's not as if he's confessing or anything. He doesn't like Sehun like that. He just gets this inexplicable urge to kiss him sometimes which, while being far from normal, is not the same. Maybe Sehun would understand. Sehun kisses some of their bandmates too, sometimes.

(not Jongin, though. Never Jongin, which makes him start doubting himself all over again)

No, he needs to tell Sehun. It doesn't matter what the outcome is, he has to. He misses his best friend and to be honest if the worst case scenario is that he loses Sehun's friendship, it can't be any worse than how they are now. (And he knows that that is all his fault, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.)

Jongin slips into their shared room after practice. He knows Sehun'll be there because that's where Sehun always goes after practice until he cools down enough to shower and because it's exactly where Jongin has been avoiding the last three weeks.

"Can I talk to you?" He says.

Sehun snorts. "You want to talk to me now?"

Jongin shifts awkwardly under Sehun's incredulous stare.

"I'm sorry." He ventures timidly.

"Save it." Sehun snaps.

He moves to brush past Jongin and out the door but Jongin latches onto his arm and holds him back.

"You don't have to forgive me!" Jongin yells desperately. "You don't have to do anything, but please. I'm asking - _begging_ - you to hear me out."

Sehun peers down at Jongin's grip on his arm, knuckles almost deathly white, back up to his face. He must look like shit because even though the expression on Sehun's face stays blank and unreadable he slowly nods his head.

"I want to kiss you." Jongin blurts out before he can pussy out.

Sehun blinks. " _That's_ why you were avoiding me?"

Jongin feels his cheeks becoming hot.  “Yeah.”

Sehun makes a strangled noise in the back of his throat and pulls Jongin in by the shoulders until their lips are but millimetres apart. Jongin watches Sehun’s eyes  fearfully, not sure what he’s meant to be feeling or doing or thinking, because _oh god Sehun’s about to kiss him._

“You still want to?” Sehun whispers, curls of hot air pressing over Jongin’s lips as he does so.

Jongin closes his eyes and leans in until their lips brush in a soft, innocent kiss. It’s nice. _Really nice._ Sehun’s lips are soft and his bony hands are warm and hard on his shoulders and he thinks idly he really wouldn’t mind doing this more often.

Sehun is the one to break the kiss, hiding his head in Jongin’s shoulder like he does when he’s embarrassed and Jongin raises his arms for where they’d been hanging awkwardly by his sides to grip loosely at Sehun’s waist.

“You’re really dumb, you know that?” Sehun mumbles into the skin on Jongin’s neck. “You know I like kissing. I just didn’t do it with you ‘cause I thought you wouldn’t want me to.”

Jongin feels inexplicably pleased by that statement in a way he doesn’t really want to analyse right now. “Really?”

Sehun pouts. “Dude, your lips are like, made for kissing.”

“So you wouldn’t mind doing it again?” Jongin says it as casually as he can but his heart is racing at about a million miles an hour. He really hopes Sehun can’t feel it. He can’t help it. This is just a thousand times better than all the scenarios he’d cooked up in his head before this moment and he can’t quite believe it’s real.

 

Sehun laughs, gentle puffs of breath across Jongin’s skin. “Shouldn’t I be the one asking that?”

Jongin shrugs, not quite sure what to say and Sehun laughs again. Jongin can feel his eyelashes against his neck as Sehun’s eyes scrunch up the way they do when he’s really happy and god, he’s really missed Sehun’s smile. It doesn’t matter that he can’t see it right now, in his mind’s eye it’s shining bright and clear.

“I hope you know what you’ve got yourself into.” Sehun whispers.

Jongin hopes so too.

Xxx

The next day Sehun greets him with a peck on the cheek as he makes his way to the kitchen to grab some cereal and Jongin can’t help the smile the spreads across his face. Kyungsoo watches all of this with speculative eyes.

“I take it you made up then.” He says drily.

Jongin grins into his oatmeal. “You could say that.”

Kyungsoo stands up to take his bowl to the sink. He looks down on Jongin with a piercing stare and it makes Jongin feel small in a way only Kyungsoo is able to do. “I hope you know what you’re doing.” Is all he says.

Xxx

The next two weeks are the happiest of Jongin’s life. Everything is perfect. He doesn’t worry about kissing Sehun. If he wants to do it he does, and the expression on Sehun’s face just before he plants one on him – a pretty mix between surprise and pleasure – makes it all the sweeter.

Sehun, once he’s processed the idea the Jongin really, _really_ doesn’t mind kissing him, seems to make it into a game. He’s not fussy about where he kisses Jongin – his ears, neck, shoulders and elbows are also fair game apparently – but he likes to do it as sneakily as possible. Jongin never sees it coming. They’ll be playing playstation or practising for their comeback and Sehun’ll just lean over and press his lips to whatever patch of skin he can reach.

Jongin thinks he does it because it never fails to make Jongin laugh. That, and how Jongin then feels obligated to retaliate – which usually ends up with Sehun shrieking with laughter as Jongin blows raspberries on the back of his knees because that’s the only place he’s ticklish.

Inevitably it’s playing the game that whatever they have shifts into something else.

Jongin’s just sitting on the sofa trawling the internet for cute pictures of dogs on his phone (he’s missing his pretty bad, okay) when it happens. Someone licks a long strip up his neck to his ear, pausing to suck his earlobe into their mouth. Jongin shudders and someone snickers. Cool air blows over the wet patch. Jongin snaps out of his daze.

He hears laughter retreating down the hallway to the bedrooms and grins. There’s only one person he knows with laughter that breathy.

“Oh Sehun!” He yells as he throws his phone down on the sofa. “Prepare yourself for pain!”

He leaps over the back of the sofa in a move that would make Rambo proud and sprints down the corridor towards their shared room. He doesn’t really have to – he knows Sehun wants to be caught – but it’s more fun to play along.

He catches up with Sehun in the doorway. He pile-drives Sehun onto the bed, head buried in Sehun’s rather bony chest and arms locked round his waist so he can’t escape. Sehun’s still laughing his stupid giggly laugh and when Jongin looks up his eyes are bright with mischief and happiness. It makes something tug uncomfortably in Jongin’s chest. It makes him want to… do something. He’s not sure what.

Without thinking he wiggles his way up Sehun’s body to press a kiss to his lips and stifle his giggles. Sehun’s body is hard and warm and his lips are soft and cool – he must have dipped his tongue out to wet them at some point – and Jongin marvels at the difference. When he pulls away Sehun is looking at him strangely.

“What?” Jongin says, grinning.

“I’m thinking.”

“I can tell, you look constipated.”

Sehun thumps him in the ribs for that one, but continues staring Jongin down and it’s really starting to freak Jongin out.

“You’re not like this with any of the other guys.” Sehun says slowly.

“I suppose.” Jongin replies after a pause.

“Why is that, do you think?”

There’s something about the way Sehun is asking him that makes Jongin think that Sehun already knows the answer and is waiting for Jongin to figure it out for himself. Only Jongin doesn’t know what exactly that’s supposed to be. No, he doesn’t act like this with any of the other members of their band. He certainly doesn’t want to kiss any one of them. That is definitely a Sehun-only activity. But why? He has no clue.

“I like you more than the others?” He offers uncertainly.

“What way do you like me?”

“Huh?”

Sehun huffs impatiently. “You heard me. How do you like me?”

“A friend?” Jongin says, but it sounds more like a question.

“You don’t kiss your other guy friends.” Sehun’s tone is balmy and light, as if they were talking about the weather and it makes Jongin blush.

“Well, no…”

“Or tackle them onto beds.”

“Uh…” Jongin doesn’t know what to say to this.

“Or shimmy your way up their body.”

“This is starting to sound really gay, Sehun.” Jongin whines.

“It is, isn’t it.” Sehun deadpans. He looks pointedly down at how Jongin is sprawled between his legs.

Oh god. Jongin’s eyes widen. Sehun is right. This is not normal heterosexual behaviour at all. How could he not notice this? Oh god.

Sehun must notice him going into a mental meltdown.

“Don’t freak out!” Sehun says.

“I just found out I’m gay for you and you tell me not to freak out?” Is he hyperventilating? Jongin thinks he might be hyperventilating.

“I’m gay for you too!” Sehun yells frustratedly.

“Oh.”

“Yes, now could we please be boyfriends? I’m really bored of waiting for you to wise up.” Sehun complains.

“Um, okay?” Jongin is still feeling slightly overwhelmed by the whole thing, to be honest, but he figures if Sehun isn’t freaking out about it, he probably shouldn’t either.

“Excellent. Now kiss me properly, boyfriend.” Sehun demands.

Jongin is more than happy to oblige.

Xxx

Later, when he tells Kyungsoo about his and Sehun’s relationship (blushing like a school girl as he does so) and how he’d tricked himself into believing that kissing Sehun was normal because Sehun kissed boys too, Kyungsoo had fixed him with another piercing stare and said:

“Sehun was right, you really are dense. I can’t believe you took _Sehun_ as a good example of hetero-normative behaviour.”

xxx

It’s two months (of domestic bliss) after that when Jongin notices something’s changed. Something’s off. He notices that he hasn’t seen Sehun kiss anyone else for a while.

His suspicions are confirmed when he sees Sehun draped over Yixing after a particularly hard practice. Normally Sehun would have pressed a kiss or two to Yixing’s temple by now, and Yixing would have returned a couple, but there’s nothing. Not even a brush against Yixing’s cheek and Jongin’s curiosity is piqued.

“Why didn’t you kiss Yixing?” He asks later, when they’re in their room together.

“You want your boyfriend to go around kissing other men?” Sehun replies acidly.

Jongin is taken aback by the venom in Sehun’s voice. The worst thing is that he’s almost entirely sure that it isn’t aimed at him – he’d recognise that self-deprecating, self-loathing tone anywhere – and that makes pain blossom in his chest.

He pulls Sehun into his arms. It’s difficult, because Sehun’s done that thing he does when he’s defensive and is all stiff as a board and uncooperative, but he manages it.

“You can kiss whoever you want. I know I’m the one you want to be with.” He says simply, hoping to calm Sehun down. It doesn’t work.

“Let go of me.” Sehun pushes futilely against Jongin’s arms.

“No. Not until you tell me what this is really about.”

“I said let go of me you arsehole!” Sehun’s really struggling now, thrashing violently in Jongin’s hold. As he moves sometimes Kai feels wet droplets fall against his skin and he feels awful because his Sehun is crying but he won’t let go. He can’t, because Sehun doesn’t want him to. Jongin knows him well enough to know that he’d have kicked Jongin in the crotch by now if he’d really wanted to escape.

Jongin doesn’t know how long it is before Sehun calms – it could have been an hour or thirty seconds – but he does. Jongin holds him through it, gently rocking him in his embrace.

“What’s wrong Sehunnie?” He whispers.

“We should break up.” He hears. His heart stops. Shatters.

“You don’t mean that.” _You can’t mean that._

“We should break up.” Sehun repeats, voice flat and empty.

Jongin takes in how they’re standing – him, arms wrapped around Sehun, trapping him vice-like in his embrace, while Sehun simply stands there, limp. Is this a metaphor for their whole relationship?

“Oh god.” He whispers. He pushes Sehun away as if his touch burns. “I forced you into this, didn’t I? I’m sorry, Sehunnie, I didn’t realise-”

“This is why we have to break up!” Sehun yells. “Why are you so stupid? Why do you let me-” He breaks off with a strangled sob. Their eyes meet. He sees the frustration, the self-loathing, the doubt swimming in Sehun’s gaze and everything clicks into place for Jongin.

“I let you kiss the other guys because I know it makes you happy.” He says simply. “Because I know that you want to tell them you love them but you don’t know how to show it any other way. I’m not letting you just do it because I’m too scared to speak up in case you leave me or because I don’t care about you. Sehun, I love you and I want you to be happy.  That’s all.”

He’s not sure whether he’s said the right thing or not because Sehun’s face remains shuttered and blank.

“So you don’t think I’m a slut?” Sehun worries at his bottom lip.

“No! Never.” He denies vehemently. “Who said that you’re a slut?”

“Doesn’t matter.” Sehun mumbles.

“It does.”

“Jongin, drop it.” Sehun pleads.

Jongin says nothing. Sehun takes his silence as acquiescence, for now.

“Anyway,” Sehun starts cheekily. “You love me? Ew, cheesy.”

Jongin rolls his eyes and tackles Sehun onto the bed, pulling up his shirt to blow raspberries on his stomach.

“I love you.” Raspberry. “I love you.” Raspberry. “I love you.”  
Sehun laughs delightedly and pulls Jongin up for a kiss. It’s long and sweet and innocent and Jongin feels like his heart is going to burst.

“Just for the record…” Sehun mumbles against his lips, “ _I love you too.”_

And Jongin thinks he’s the happiest man alive.


End file.
